The monster within

I have always hated dark rooms; it is not the reason that I am afraid of the dark. I have always felt someone was waiting for me in a dark room, especially those with mirrors. Even if it wasn’t a dark room I have always felt it following me. I can’t help it, I know it must have seemed to you like an illusion that I am having. Was it? What was it anyway? I could never tell, and I never tried to find out. I have always been afraid of it.

When I was young I thought it might be a boogieman, a monster under your bed. As a teen I thought it was some lost sprit wondering, or maybe my ancestors. When I was an adult I simply reason it to the stressful life after effect. I know it’s not god nor is it a devil. God is great and so would never spy on me. The devil is usually represented by red. But I don’t see horns nor do I see evil eyes staring back at me in the dark

I have always at all cost tried to avoid the dark. I slept with lights on. Bath only when someone was home with me, stayed in a single room and avoided moving out of it as far a possible. I covered my blanket all the way to my temple when I am sleeping, had many pillows on my bed and switched on all lights at home when I am alone.

I have never liked to look into the mirrors. You must have thought that I am weird; a girl not fond of looking into a mirror often must be ugly beyond thoughts. Or maybe I was wrong, even an ugly girl might still see her self as pretty, isn’t it? After all beauty is in an eye of the beholder. What can I say?

Today I finally found out what was following me all this years. I wasn’t feeling well at all I came home with all those thoughts in my head. They had fully occupied me. As I walked into me room took out my earrings and for a moment, standing at my dressing table staring at the mirror in my room realizing that I had forgotten to switch on my room’s light. I let out a shrieking scream. It’s me along, what a fool I must have seen to you.

It’s me who I have been avoiding, all this while I have been trying to get everyone to like me, to be their best friend, a good daughter, a role model, and the top student in school. I have hidden apart of mine self and it will never leave me it keeps haunting me. It had never given up hope on me; trying to reach me at every opportunity it gets.

It has always been waiting for me. Hopping one day I will accept that part of me. I am the devil of myself. I was the one who plot my whole life out and watched as it plays. When the play fails I would simply rip it apart and plot a show within a show. It is I who I have been so afraid of. Funny, wouldn’t you say?

When I was at the age of 14 I had a dream, a nightmare would be a more suitable word to be used at that time. In the dream it was I who killed my self. In my eyes there were hatred, disappointment and a sense of joy, which lurks behind all of the intense animosity. A joy, that it finally got me after all these years.

I once came a crossed a saying, “Hatred is the vice of narrow souls; they feed it with all their littleness, and make it the pretext of base tyrannies”. I hated the feeling of being left out. I hated those who are loved and liked by others, and so I plotted my life and kept out the part of me that was unwanted in the dark. Just like a play, the show will always end and when the curtains close, it will always be there for me, just waiting patiently for my retribution.

Sound of death

The sound of the dying. The agony of seeing the death. The unspoken, unbroken chain that all human must follow. All that comes well ends well, is that really true? Do you believe in the dead? Well I do. As a death reporter yes. You would never have seen the world as how I would see it.

The dying struggling to survive, screaming, searching for help, hoping someone will reach out and help ease the pain. But most of the time it would be the death who is willing reaching out to ease their pain. At that very moment when they saw him, they who once fought bravely in war were too showing a wary face.

The sick hoping for a miracle. Maybe tomorrow I might just heal and able to walk. Lying in the hospital bed with all who you know surrounding you, staring at you shaking their heads talking over you like you were not even there. Children bad mouthing you, fighting over property. They wish you were dead. And you know they think that they will be better off with you not in their way. You groan for help but non had reach to you. You finally gave up to him and let go of all the struggling thoughts that kept you alive.

He who acts as a charisma is being fear by everyone. He who I have never seen or talk to was everyone’s greatest fear of meeting him. When he is content he would save you all pains and suffering, he will take you to a place with no suffering. If he is ever choleric then you will suffer before you die. He will take you soul away, a little everyday.

Even the greats of all kings must heel to him and obey him in his deathbed. The eyes with an eternal stare. Time has pause for them but not for us. They will never be able to spend another day with us. I have seen many deaths. It is not what you think it is.
Souls are chain with heavy metal and whip at, slaving underneath. Others who had been taken into the hands of god are far better off. What is the point of all the over powering and conquering? At the end of the day you will be able to take nothing with you. You came into the world with nothing and so it’s only fair that when you leave you take nothing with you. The world is a playground when you are there you can play what ever you want and take what ever you desire. But when you leave you must take nothing with you, they must be left behind for the others that comes after you to play with...

A girl with regrets.....

Walking on a path that leads to my biggest mistake ever made. With tears in my eyes and fears in my heart. Every step I take the fear in me grew bigger.Snow falling, landing gently on the forest ground. Is cold but I can hardly feel a thing.I am not sick but my heart's aching, terribly unlike any thing I’ve felt before. It has bee years since I last seen you eye to eye. I should have never have ask you out on a journey that ends out destiny.My carelessness causes your goodbye. You save me from falling and you left without me.Standing there watching you fall further away from me, loosing you my heart is breaking.Remembering the last word you told me..."I LOVE YOU”. Tears bust out of my eyes,I am sorry I have broken my promise again.... You once said that you would do anything just to make me happy, but now I only ask to see you standing in front of me. I want to see you please...A part of me is missing. If only I have done something quick it would not be you I have been loosing. You have done so much for me what more could I ask for? You are more than a thank you I will be saying more than a kiss I would be giving, you are more then anything in the world to me, but I’ve never made a point to tell you this...If I would only have stop for a secondor two to tell you how much you mean to me, and yet you still love me without a doubt.I'm sorry... I’m sorry. Time has pass I have bee patience for so long hoping that you will come back one day and I have been longing for you so much. How could I pretend to be so strong...Not to worry I will live my life to the fullest like how as you were alive.Cause I still love you. A girl with regrets.....